I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
