Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
