i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
