He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
