the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
