Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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