Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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