ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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