I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
