i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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