You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
