Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
