And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
