I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
