I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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