life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Randomize
