There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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