I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
