I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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