my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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