I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
