: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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