she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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