Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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