This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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