I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
