If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
