if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
