I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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