I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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