Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i may or may not be watching the land before time
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
