plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
