someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
