turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
