I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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