Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
