well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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