How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
