can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
whose parrot is this?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
