The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
