Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
