If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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