My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
