I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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