I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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