i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
