alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
