I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
