I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
