Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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