How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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