Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
