I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
