Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
