The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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